Lazy Comedian T-Shirts

"These are smart socks. They will crawl themselves to the clothes hamper when you throw them on the floor. Make sure they're charged before wearing them."

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'She'll never look for me here.'

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

'Sorry son, I bought you an ice-cream at the corner shop, but it melted on the way home...'

"I've got a very responsible job. If anything goes wrong, I'm responsible."

Travelling with Child Sketchbook - day 5

'You're so sophisticated and witty...and muscular...do you work out? Why, yes, I'd love to come back to your place.'

'He used to be my tiger, now he's nothing more than a skunk, a boar and a lying toad.'

"Sir, you said that it's high time to fix the problem, so I rearranged the furniture, watered the flowers and made fresh coffee. If that wasn't enough then maybe we should find some problems that fit our solutions."

Man with t-shirt 'I *spade* my dog'.

"I need motivation."

Oh U! The German Periscoper: "Ach Himmel! Dot most be der peutiful Ben Nevis of vich ve 'ave 'eard so mooch!"

'So, are we going for a walk or what?'

'Who wants to play celebrity rant?'

'Yes of course he can borrow my lawn mower just as long as he only uses it in my garden...'

'Was it your idea to have it catered?'

Remote Toaster

'Take it for stress. It helps to laugh at yourself.'

Train Arrivals

"Oh, sure, I remember him. He was quiet, mostly kept to himself, paid the rent on time. You know, we were only married for sixteen years."

'Company wargames weekend 1986.'

"You know I don't like to cuddle."

"He's busy cross-training. He's drinking with his left hand."

Rodney kicked off his fitness regime by buying a heavier remote control...this was not enough.

"If anyone wants me, I'll be out photobombing the tourists."

'I don't like vegetables, so when I grow up, can I be a couch donut?'

'Just look at it ! - your tortoise has been on the rampage again!'

'This time it's really just a stick!'

'He used the treadmill, once.'

'Oh, just crafting lies I never even have to tell...'

"The blood donation is nearly complete. Just a little clot remaining."