Courtroom Satirist Gifts

Prosecutor trying to link parking tickets and library fines with gangland killings.

'You are accused of internet fraud. How do you wish to blog?'

"Maybe this wouldn't happen if you didn't allow the trial to drag on so long."

"You! The Limey! Lose the hat and quit calling me your worship!"

'In accordance with the Patriot Act, we find the accused guilty of unspecified acts.'

"Thank you for the rewind, Miss Cooper. Now let us fast-forward to that fateful moment in February and hit the pause button."

'If I'm innocent until proven guilty, where do you guys get off putting me on TRIAL?'

Jury Room

"If it pleases the court, your honour, I would like to present these small gifts to the jury."

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

'Okay, the jury acquitted you, but I'm going to hold you five years for questioning.'

'Your honor, we are appealing on grounds the post-trial book deals didn't match the pre-trial publicity.'

'You couldn't advise your client something better than defending himself with silence?' - 'I had no option... He's deaf-mute...'

'It's an idea whose time has come, Mr. Mayor -- 'drive-through traffic court'!'

'I'm worried since he was chosen by jury foreman.'

Robert Macaire as a Barrister

"So, I’d love for us to think of this as less of a trial and more of a curated trial experience."

"Of course, if you get your client off in the initial trial you're throwing away the appeal fee."

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

'So Captain Ahab, I put it to you that you were deliberately stalking my client!'

'I got an alleged C on my criminal law test.'

"Just for the heck of it, how do you plead?"

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

"Since you have already been convicted by the media, I imagine we can wrap this up pretty quickly."

"Not guilty but prepared to settle out of court, your honour."

Junior barrister prompting a deaf and testy chief

"Bailiff."

"You can't plead cute."

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"Gimme a 'D'! Gimme an 'N'! Gimme an 'A'!"

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

"I must insist on my lawyer present."