Courtroom Humor Aficionado Gifts

It was a bum rap.

"You want the truth, the whole truth, or nothing but the truth?"

May I give each of the jury a small gift?.

"Since you have already been convicted by the media, I imagine we can wrap this up pretty quickly."

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"Not guilty?"

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

"Why won't you cuddle?"

"Am I going to get my just desserts?"

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

"Dave here, is a lawyer. But don't be too impressed, he only specialises in petty crime."

Lawyer's secretary has in boxes labeled: Before the Fact and After the Fact.

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

'The highest court in the land.'

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

"Thank you for the rewind, Miss Cooper. Now let us fast-forward to that fateful moment in February and hit the pause button."

The hour of justice

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

'It's an idea whose time has come, Mr. Mayor -- 'drive-through traffic court'!'

"Can you hear me now?"

Counsel examining witness

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"Let's take in a trial."

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

A Court Reporter's Pocket Knife

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"My client will not answer that question as it presupposes his sanity."

'Are you sure you saw my client do it? Let me remind you, it takes one to know one.'

''The buck stops here'? What a coincidence, your honor. My nickname is 'the Buck'.'

"Guilty of a sense of humor in a tight-ass world."