Courtroom Humor Enthusiast Gifts

'You have been tried and convicted of insider trading. Have you any last tips to offer before I pronounce sentence?'

"I've always said - juries are impossible to predict."

I'd be more impressed with your hundreds of hours of community service if it weren't court ordered.'

"Not guilty?"

Personal injury claims...

'Don't feel bad - some guys lose everything.'

"Can you hear me now?"

"Having consumed them for years, I can assure you, my company's GMO food products are perfectly safe."

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

'I'm part of the drug culture. All I ask is that you respect cultural diversity.'

'I firmly believe in the right to a speedy trial.'

'Prisons are overcrowded and a drag on the economy, so I'm sentencing you to six months of jury duty.'

'In an effort to speed things up, you may leave out all of the 'uhs' and 'you knows'''

'Do you promise to tell the truth?'

'Are you going to believe me, or a bunch of busybody cops?'

'Since when is good will towards men a crime?'

Hors d'oeuvres in the court.

"Coach, I got so good at sitting on the bench when I was on your team, I decided to make a career of it. So, for jaywalking I'm throwing I'm throwing you in jail for four years."

'This is a very important trial, Ferguson -- you'd better put pants on.'

'Your Honour, my client is truly sorry for what he has done and promises never to do it again.'

'You're charged with obstruction of justice, you scoundrel!'

'Yes, I shot him - but we were hunting. I thought he was a ... oh, never mind.'

"Your Honor, we need more time to prepare to make a mockery of the law."

"You can be your own attorney, but no, you cannot be your own judge."

"Remember, don't forget to show those puppy dog eyes."

"... and, since you are the defendant's agent, you shall serve ten percent of the defendant's sentence."

Turn Off Cell Phones - Violators Will Be Over Ruled.

"Object overruled. . . Just because."

"Can't you see I'm busy? You'll have to make an appointment with my secretary here."

The Trump defense

"Please go easy on my client. He's suffered enough with all the internet shaming."

'So we content, yer Honor, that this so-called law against armed robbery is just another 'government effort to micromanage the behavior of adults'...'

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

"Counsel will stop playing games."

"I can't believe I ate that pizza, that whole pizza, and nothing but that pizza."