Courtroom Humorist Gifts

'Don't spread it around, but on the really tough ones, I just go with 'eenie, meenie, minie, moe.''

"How did this case ever get so far?"

Lawyer lists his billable hours on tombstone.

'Perhaps you would like to rephrase your last answer.'

"It was WORSE than guilty! - The jury found me NONCOMPLIANT!"

"Don't make me come down there."

'Has the jury tweeted a verdict?'

'The demeanor of this judicial panel doesn't bode well for your appeal.'

'I don't care what the judge says, I'm not disregarding that last statement'

"The Court finds itself on the horns of a dilemma. On the one hand, wiretap evidence is inadmissible, and on the other hand I'm dying to hear it."

'...unfortunately for you, I only see things in black and white.'

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

'Yes, I did accept an apple from my third-grader, Billy Smith, but there was no quid pro quo.'

'Your honor, my client feels you should recuse yourself as he is a cat person.'

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'Jury of my peers? That's a laugh. How many of you ever kill a guy?'

"Please confine your testimony to "Yes" or "No" answers and skip the "Nevermore" stuff, OK?"

Barrister pointing out dozing judge to the jury

Normally I don't judge a book by its cover...(book entitled 'Guilty as Sin').

'It's innocent or guilty. There are no do-overs.'

'Yes, I did accept an apple from my third-grader, Billy Smith, but there was no quid-pro-quo.'

'Your mastery of the facts is no match for my opinion.'

'Have you found a precedent? Yes, you did the same crime in 1974.'

A dog on trial with an all cat jury

"8 guilty,3 not guilty and one peperoni pizza with extra cheese"

ACME LAW FIRM, 'We've got to find some outside clients -- We can't make a living just suing each other.'

"Objection, Your Honor! The prosecution is combining dog years and people years in a callous and deliberate attempt to confuse the witness."

"My wife wouldn't like anything reversible. She's a judge."

"I didn't realize, Your Honor. I assumed the law here was the same as in New Jersey. As you may know, dog eat dog is permissible there."

"It might not have a bearing on the case- but the defendant has parked in your space."

"I must warn you that, Judge, Farrell, is known for his long sentences."

'The highest court in the land.'

'A fair trial was probably too much to expect with His Honor hailing from Boston and my client being a known Yankee fan!'

"Your Honor, we, the jury, find this one too close to call."

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"