Court Humorist Gifts

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

'Whe they said 'God is my Judge', I didn't realize He was a real attorney.'

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

'So Captain Ahab, I put it to you that you were deliberately stalking my client!'

'I got an alleged C on my criminal law test.'

My Brother Al once went through a period of depression, your honor. He would just sit around in his robe all day. Then his psychiatrist got him out of his funk. Would you like to have his doctor's phone number? ? ?

"Just for the heck of it, how do you plead?"

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

Gary turns 40.

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

"Oh dear, it's just as we suspected.. they do come from another planet."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

"Not guilty but prepared to settle out of court, your honour."

"Bailiff."

Junior barrister prompting a deaf and testy chief

Law School teacher.

"You can't plead cute."

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"Gimme a 'D'! Gimme an 'N'! Gimme an 'A'!"

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"#notguilty."

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"Never mind what I did, Your Honor. I want to be judged for who I am, as an individual."

Squash Courts - "Insurance anyone"

"Not guilty?"

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."