Court Security Gifts

'If you lose my briefs you can answer to the Judge!'

'This is my partner. He'll be taking care of the small print.'

"Our new associate asks how much of a fee is too much. Do you want to handle this or shall I laugh in his face?"

'Look -- I'm willing to forget about all this if you are.'

"You moved two spaced and then one space to the side? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that sure sounds illegal."

"Bailiff."

'When you get up on the stand be sure to keep your answers short. A whole lot of barking will only frighten the jury.'

"He doesn't suffer fools gladly."

"Gimme a 'D'! Gimme an 'N'! Gimme an 'A'!"

"I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to ask you another question. I heard someone in the courtroom shout out the correct answer."

"Objection! Pummelling the witness."

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, despite how bad it's going to screw you?"

"Better that a hundred guilty men go free than one innocent man be convicted, right?"

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'Let's try it again. And this time, don't cross your fingers.'

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

'I object, Your Honor! Hearsay evidence!'

"...And the court awards you twenty five thousand for the loss of faculty in your right arm."

'I got a suspended sentence.'

Arrogant junior barrister

'My client has required the services of countless law enforcement, court, penal and probation personnel. He's not a menace...he's a jobs creator!'

"'If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all' doesn't work with a grand jury."

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

'Is there any chance I could do the five years vicariously?'

'I didn't know it was a one-trip salad bar!'

"Once again, I simply don't recall."

'I don't suppose there's any way I could serve my sentence on line?'

"The Defendant must stop trying to side-step every question the prosecution asks!"

'Ignorance of the law is no excuse, dummy!'

'Then if there are no objections, we will recess until tomorrow morning.'

"Apparently, you have very little respect for our judicial system, sauntering in here with only one lawyer."

"This jury may not be swayed by any defense that relies on emotion."