Couple In Need Of Humor Pillows

"Sorry. No refunds."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Stand-up Romcom

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

'If you're going to marry this geek, I suggest you get the extended warranty.'

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

'I'm home, Honey! Come see what I picked up at the Farmers Market!'

"I'm pretty lucky. I have a wife that tolerates both my lactose and bad habits."

"There's nothing wrong with your marriage that an extra bathroom and walk-in closet can't solve."

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

"Let's just say that you're not trending on any site on the internet!"

"Oh my gosh babe! These cute little otters want us to play with them."

'Sorry darling, I'm too tired to lift you onto your pedestal tonight.'

'When we were first married, he was all 'Cock-A-Doodle-Do.' Now, he's just 'Cock-A-Doodle-Don't.''

'Oh, don't feel bad. They say it happens to all men at some point. But then again, I never did hear of it happening to a bear!'

'What do you want that for? You're already going nowhere fast.'

"I'll start dancing like Fred Astaire, when you stop dancing like Nellie the Elephant!"

"At this point, we're only staying together for the sake of the pets."

'I'm gonna go slip into something less comfortable.'

'The man at the beer store said this ale is made without any harmful chemicals, so I added some myself.'

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

'Wait a minute, this prescription is for a dozen oysters and half an ounce of powdered rhino horn!'

Messages on T-Shirts: 'I'm wrong always' and 'I'm right always'.

'That's in case there's any backsliding.'

Tantrum sex.

"So, the rumors are true. He is faster than a speeding bullet."

'I offered to help with your tie, but oh no, you had to do it yourself...'