Couple In Need Of Humor Pillows

"Sorry. No refunds."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Stand-up Romcom

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

'If you're going to marry this geek, I suggest you get the extended warranty.'

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

'I'm home, Honey! Come see what I picked up at the Farmers Market!'

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

"I'm pretty lucky. I have a wife that tolerates both my lactose and bad habits."

"There's nothing wrong with your marriage that an extra bathroom and walk-in closet can't solve."

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

"Edgar, I'm talking to you! For goodness sake, has the cat got your tongue?"

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

"Oh my gosh babe! These cute little otters want us to play with them."

"Can you hold a moment? I've asked you before not to donate my organs till after I'm dead."

"Let's just say that you're not trending on any site on the internet!"

'What do you want that for? You're already going nowhere fast.'

'Sorry darling, I'm too tired to lift you onto your pedestal tonight.'

"Sounds like you've both been pushing each others' buttons."

'When we were first married, he was all 'Cock-A-Doodle-Do.' Now, he's just 'Cock-A-Doodle-Don't.''

'Oh, don't feel bad. They say it happens to all men at some point. But then again, I never did hear of it happening to a bear!'

"I'll start dancing like Fred Astaire, when you stop dancing like Nellie the Elephant!"

'The man at the beer store said this ale is made without any harmful chemicals, so I added some myself.'

'I'm gonna go slip into something less comfortable.'

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

"At this point, we're only staying together for the sake of the pets."

'Wait a minute, this prescription is for a dozen oysters and half an ounce of powdered rhino horn!'

Messages on T-Shirts: 'I'm wrong always' and 'I'm right always'.

'That's in case there's any backsliding.'

"Well of course there's a damp patch on the mattress - does it matter who sleeps on it?"

'I offered to help with your tie, but oh no, you had to do it yourself...'