Couple Gifts

"I'm bored - let's buy a house in the country that has lots of problems."

Scenes from a successful marriage.

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"

"Aphids on the heliotrope!"

'We're very lucky, really, with our poltergeist.'

“Stop avoiding me. I know when you are sleeping. I know when you are awake.”

"I tried working at home, but my wife didn't like me performing colonoscopies in the dining room."

'He's been keeping busy as usual, doing odd jobs around the house.'

(I'm tasting berries with deep earth overtones and a definite hint of almond) (That would be the Cyanide.)

"I've decided to purge our material goods, starting with your crap."

Difference of Opinion

"Of course I love you more than cheese. What a silly question. In fact, cheese and I are just friends. Nothing's going on between cheese and me."

"Shouldn't he be lying at the foot of the bed?"

"If you lie down with pugs, you wake up with pugs."

"I want our divorce to have a country farmhouse feeling."

"This is Russell. Russell opens all my jars."

"I never know when you're kidding."

"…And just what do you think you're going to do with your silly death ray once you've finished it?!"

"I've never said this to anyone before, David, but you've got some pigeon droppings or something in your hair."

'Let me know when you're ready for the Great American tuna fish sandwich.'

'Geez, can't you think of a better way to remember all of your passwords?'

Val and Les could see a fork in the road but they weren't expecting a dip.

'and I suppose you'll be working again this Christmas?'

"You drive, I'll criticize."

I know it seems a bit misplaced, but it does pay all the wedding expenses !'

"When you said we needed to talk, you didn't say I needed to listen."

"I thought we agreed not to fight in front of the children."

'When are you going to learn to relax?'

'Wouldn't it be funny if it was just out of gas?'

"Wait a minute - I know there's something we've forgotten to worry about."

How to Drive Your Man Crazy in Bed

'There you go again - trying to solve my problems. I am not asking you to do that. I just want you to listen to me.'

'I feel like I just don't know you anymore, Richard!'

"It started out with lactose, but now he's intolerant of everything."

"Oh, there's your problem—twenty years of resentment at having to do the dishes."