First Couple Gifts

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

It's a Whole Field of Paisley!

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

'Maybe we should have gone for a pommel horse.'

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

Romance

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"I think I need an extra pillow."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

"When you say that love is in the air, you're referring to the smells from the food trucks, right?"

It's not because I'm nervous. The reason I'm not eating is because I really do have butterflies in my stomach.

Sauvignon Bonk

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

'I love our hideaway. I only wish we could find it.'

On my list of outdoor pursuits I put skinny dipping way ahead of this.

Missing Persons...'I'm not sure when she disappeared - sometime during the football season.'

Why we need poetry. . .

Carbon Dating.

'Alone for the weekend at last!'

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

"First date hairball... awkward."

Try to guess the continent dining...

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"Hello coastguard, it's my husband, he's beached"

"They met in the express-checkout lane at the A.&P. and have slowed down only occasionally ever since."