Married Couple Gifts

"I'll agree to a pre-nup if you'll agree to a non-compete clause."

The Crossroads of Wisdom: Past Mistakes, Future Gambles and Listen to Your Wife.

How to understand your wife...

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

"If I die first, you should remarry. If you die first, I'll get a dog."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"I thought we agreed not to fight in front of the children."

"And just exactly what is that expression intended to convey?"

'We need to talk....' - 'Oh no.'

"If you don't need anything, I'm going to shut down my emotions for the night."

'...and this home includes a heated garage.'

'Tell me your side of the story. I already know the truth.'

'The opinions expressed by Mrs Latimore are her own, and do not necessarily reflect those of Mr Latimore.'

"When does the improvement part of this improvement project kick in?"

"You're going to clean the gutters? Wait! Let me first see if the emergency room takes reservations!"

"It's only until spring."

'Rate me on a scale of one to ten!' 'Can I use fractions?'

"Oh I know when my wife is upset: She stops singing to me and starts talking..."

'Our staff is highly skilled mam, but getting your husband to grow a backbone is simply beyond our expertise.'

'You're sure that's one of the stages of grief?'

Men Are From Mars

"I guess this makes up for all those months you didn't speak to me."

'Oh good morning dear! I was just slipping out to get you an anniversary gift.'

Stalemate

"Now that I've moved my files down here to the basement, we'll be able to spend a lot more time together."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'We'd just like to get away from all leading economic indicators for a while.'

"Artificial intelligence has gone too far. The refrigerator just texted that the dishwasher is talking behind my back."

"I'd like a tattoo that says I'm my own man. But put it sompelace my wife won't see it."

"Burial or cremation?"

"Honey, I still think you're the greatest."

He was an early riser. She knew it, but never really got used to it.

"Let's flip for it. Heads I win, tails you lose."

'You were not 'listening' - you were just hearing. Listening requires both hearing AND giving a shit!'

"Right now we're at a budget impasse. I maintain that you provide an essential service, and my wife feels that you do not."