Cosmic Consultant Gifts

"I'd like to explore the futures market."

'My astrologer says one thing, my guru says another, my psychiatrist says something else - I don't know who to turn to anymore.'

'Houston, I'm prepared to land...'

"Our light bill is astronomical living next to a black hole."

"Don't worry, they normally look like little humans during the early scans."

You too?! I go around feeling half asleep all the time also!

"Houston, we have a problem."

"Abduction 101, when abducting eggs from a primitive planet always lower the temperature in the ship!"

C'mon, it'll be fun! I'll throw on some stars, pop in a few planets, drum up a life form or two, and this place will be hoppin'! The Big Shebang Theory.

'You forgot to pay the gravity bill, didn't you?'

"Up here, light is neither a particle nor a wave. It's a liquid."

God Sneezes Out Creation

"On the eighth day, God found a lot of assembly parts left over."

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

'...heard the one about the Venusian, the Martian and the Saturnian?'

Clown God

"Hey! If you're here to marvel at the smallness of your existence within a glorious, vast and unknowable universe, there's a line!"

"Stupid map ... that dot must cover 10,000 cubic light years."

'You caught it, you gut it!'

"I've heard that seeing the earth from outer space can really change your perspective. I couldn't agree more."

'Gravity...Go figure!'

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

'I don't know which was prettier - the meteor shower or the cascade of flaming space junk.'

'The good news is we've discovered a vast new oil resource. The bad news is we need a space ship to get there.'

Man at penthouse party walks out onto terrace and is startled to see the Earth, instead of the moon, shining in the sky.

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

Science fiction fans on other planets

"...Ooh, I wanna know more about your dark side!"

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

"Mrs. Marsha Mullhouse, of Kenosha, Wisconsin, asks, "Are You subject to the laws of physics, or are the laws of physics subject to You?"

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

The Origins of Everything

"I thought the cake came out awfully dense."

'Are you sure You can be objective? -After all, You did CREATE them.'

Shoot For The Moon