Cosmic Strategist Gifts

Frank and Ernest Celestial Accountants. How's the audit of the Bankrupt Universe, Inc. going, Ernie? At first I thought it was a personnel problem -- Halley's Comet shows up once every seventy-six years, the supernovas are a bunch of burnouts and of course planet Mercury only works eighty-eight days a year. But the real problem isn't personnel, it's corporate strategy! Strategy? What's wrong? Universe, Inc. thinks it can keep expanding and expanding forever and ever!

Ok, I've set you up with an offshore back account, so you can hide your valuables for use after the oncoming apocalypse. You're too kind, sir. Where is it? Caymans? Switzerland? That's amateur stuff. The economy's increasingly global. When America goes down, it could take the Swiss and Cayman economies down with it. Then where – To open your account, I'll need your passport, tax returns, and a map of your genome. Bank of Deneb Prime. Trump turned me on to it.

"Trump has his finger on the button..."

The truth about crop circles

"Good game."

'It's a nice idea. A bit rough around the edges but I'm sure it will evolve given time.'

Outer Space Outsourcing

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

'BANG' and a cosmology institute appears.

Chiller Theatre

"An un-observed universe ceases to exist. Yeah right!"

Zenemies.

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

"I don't know… Did you try Googling it?"

"When we're home, are we still aliens?"

"Hey! If you're here to marvel at the smallness of your existence within a glorious, vast and unknowable universe, there's a line!"

"I used to want to be an astronaut, but now I think I'd rather be a billionaire space tourist."

"Did you remember to back up the last 4.5 billion years?"

'This is embarrassing. By MY calculations, the universe should have collapsed in on itself last Wednesday.'

'The good news is we've discovered a vast new oil resource. The bad news is we need a space ship to get there.'

How life on Earth really got its start.

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

Do you ever wish you lived in a different era, Randy? It's safer to keep me where I am. Injecting my advanced virility into more primitive eras could have disastrous effects on the timeline. Well

"Earth – Love the brand, hate the owners."

'Oh-oh -- What hath He wrought now?'

'...and at this point I'm afraid the tax laws become totally theoretical.'

Newton's Cradle Solar System

'How can I get my baby to sleep?'

Couple stargazing: 'Now a word from our sponsor...'

"I'm not only a Guardian Angel, I'm also an expert at turnarounds."

"It's scary that humans are our benchmark for intelligent life in the universe."

"Uh-oh - climate change."

Questions

God with Earth Controller