Cooking Show Fan Pillows

"Look at the size of this gas bill - you'll have to get rid of some of those celebrity chefs!!"

'It's a blackmail note - Someone saw me going into that Fish-and-Chip shop!'

'Celebrity chef' 'Celery chef'

'Ready, steady, Operate'

Chefs

Cooking With the Zombies.

"Your dinner's being demonstrated on the cookery programme in ten minutes."

"The pastry is soggy and your filling leaves a bitter aftertaste."

Valerie Bertinelli

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

Keith Floyd.

'Does this thing get channel four.'

"....And then chuck the whole lot in the dustbin and phone for a take-away."

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

"Keep in mind, this dish is best served in a restaurant cooked by anyone other than you."

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis.

"Then add one extra large egg..."

Junior Masterchef - "Darren Smith and I'll be cooking chicken nuggets with Mars bars in a CocaCola sauce"

'Wait, wait, before you mix them, you have to say, 'Pow!'.'

'...now pour the mixture into a baking dish...'

'I hate it when they order scrambled eggs.' (chef shaking chicken).

"When did they add this channel?!"

My Cauldron Rules

Mary Berry

Here's one I made earlier.

"And the best part of grinding their bones to make your bread - totally gluten free!"

Loyd Grossman

'By the time I'd watched Delia and Ainsley and Jamie Oliver and Floyd...I'd spoiled the broth.'

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

'Gentlemen, put your money away. When it comes to killing TV chefs, I work for free.'

Nigella Lawson

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

'For this dish we're going to need two bottles of good quality red wine. And that's before we even start cooking.'