Contest Comedian Gifts

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'Look -- I'm willing to forget about all this if you are.'

Gary turns 40.

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

"To lose weight they said I've just had to give up two things. . .food and drink!"

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

'Honest, sir. I'm sorry! I take it all back.'

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

'... and finally, before tip-off, let's all be courteous and turn off our cell phones.'

'Thank you but I'm a bit sensitive to ethnic food.'

"Three more classes and I get my belt."

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

'Mummy, Mummy, I've been practising the whole afternoon: Wanna hear my evil laugh?'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'Remind me again, Dad. Why did you want me to get that college degree?'

'I went into hunting and gathering. And you?'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

"Where do you see yourself after 5 beers?"

'You daft cow...I said I needed some company and was out for a duck!'

Monet At Open Mic Night