Comedian Judge Gifts

'Look -- I'm willing to forget about all this if you are.'

Gary turns 40.

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

No caption

'He's not called the 'Hanging About Judge' for nothing.'

'Honest, sir. I'm sorry! I take it all back.'

"Impartiality becomes you."

'... and finally, before tip-off, let's all be courteous and turn off our cell phones.'

Judge to attorneys in courtroom wearing boxing gloves: 'Looks like you're both ready for your opening arguments, gentlemen?'

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

Judge

"Simple yes or no. Are the cartoons funny?"

'Make sport of the Queen.'

"And what's more, you have a complete disrespect for the law."

Dreary counsel sending the judge and jury to sleep

"We all make mistakes, as Your Honor knows, having been twice reprimanded by the New York State Commission on Juridical Conduct."

Well, since your sentence is only for five years, you might as well go on home now.

"O.K., O.K., house arrest."

It is illegal to fall asleep under a hairdryer in Florida.

'How bad is it?'

'Timeout! ... Coaching change.'

'He's a little unpredictable, but with the right combination of medication and therapy, he can make an impact on this league.'

"My attorney feels it's unwise for me to continue to represent you."

Computer questionning a witness.

"Umm. . . Hello? I'm over here!"

Recycling centre with a bin for Jim Davidson videos.

'We're requesting a delay so my client can appear on lots of talk shows.'

"I forgot to call in dead."

'I'm sure the Senate will affirm my action.'

'It was Bob's last wish to spread his ashes on the spot where he spent most of his athletic career.'

'You think you've got a bad knee? Let me tell you about a bad knee, my brother.'

'Case dismissed! -- I just reached retirement age!'

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Dear Sadie, I'm twelve years old and I still can't make a half-court shot in basketball. What should I do? - Moe. Moe, I know you want a quick fix, but there's no substitute for hard work. Master the half-court shot the way I mastered needle-point, practice five hours a day for seventy-five years … while giving your competitors backhanded compliments. With diligence, you'll eventually outlive anyone who knows your failings … which means they never

'...Plus thirty days for not turning off your damn cell phone!'