Contact-averse Gifts

"Sorry, but I didn't switch from unsanitary handshakes to fist bumps just to start group hugging!"

'I could text you...I can fax you...I can email you...I could ring you...Lunch?...I can't make it.'

Automated customer service.

Fred gives up his MP3 Player in favor of conch shells.

Even though I'm on the do-not-call-list telemarketers manage to ruin my hibernation again.

"Just this once, can we not talk about news or politics or money or family or relationships or children or friends or sex or religion or sports or culture or real estate or the past or the future?"

'Of course it's lonely... you've fired everyone!'

'Been coming here for years and never bumped into anyone who knows me . . . weird!'

"That was there to give idlers reason to not stop and chat."

'I hope you don't want to leave a message - he hates messages.'

'Never fails,,, The second we sit down for dinner,'

"Gah! Too many people!"

"It's too easy to lose a business card. A rubber stamp, you'll remember."

Not in the mood for human interaction line

It's new from British Telecom, a telephone ignoring machine.

"It's just if the TV isn't on I never know where to look."

"I only wish this was the final notice."

'The professor can read hieroglyphics on ruins and in tombs but he can't read text messages on his cell phone.'

"Well, it might interest you to know that 'running naked' means running without a watch or iphone."

'Okay. If this new TV's as smart as a computer, where's the 'Skip Ad' button?'

'Your financial statements indicate to my trained eye that your tolerance for risk is low.'

"You just watch him Ethel. He'll sit there and say nothing, just to annoy me."

'At the sound of the tone, please leave a message.. unless you're trying to sell me something.'

'I totally understand your extreme risk-aversion. Now hand over your mattress and let's slip into some comfy corporate bonds.'

this gismo has cut all my meetings 50 percent

"How many times do I have to tell, you, don't call me at work!"

"Oh, no! People are coming to sit near us! Put up the banner!"

Stuck in the Conversation Pit of Hell.

"This is where I go to get away from reality TV."

"No, I'm not interested in a free ski weekend. Please take me off your call list."

'Letters, letters, letters - why can't you learn to text?'

"I think you're using lawnmower repair to avoid intimacy."

My 35 years of experience tell me your tolerance for risk is low...