Contact-averse Gifts

"Sorry, but I didn't switch from unsanitary handshakes to fist bumps just to start group hugging!"

'I could text you...I can fax you...I can email you...I could ring you...Lunch?...I can't make it.'

Automated customer service.

Fred gives up his MP3 Player in favor of conch shells.

Even though I'm on the do-not-call-list telemarketers manage to ruin my hibernation again.

"Just this once, can we not talk about news or politics or money or family or relationships or children or friends or sex or religion or sports or culture or real estate or the past or the future?"

'Of course it's lonely... you've fired everyone!'

"That was there to give idlers reason to not stop and chat."

"Gah! Too many people!"

'I hope you don't want to leave a message - he hates messages.'

'Been coming here for years and never bumped into anyone who knows me . . . weird!'

'Never fails,,, The second we sit down for dinner,'

"It's too easy to lose a business card. A rubber stamp, you'll remember."

Not in the mood for human interaction line

It's new from British Telecom, a telephone ignoring machine.

"It's just if the TV isn't on I never know where to look."

Pizza. I found the remote but now I can't find the TV.

"I only wish this was the final notice."

"Well, it might interest you to know that 'running naked' means running without a watch or iphone."

'The professor can read hieroglyphics on ruins and in tombs but he can't read text messages on his cell phone.'

'Your financial statements indicate to my trained eye that your tolerance for risk is low.'

"You just watch him Ethel. He'll sit there and say nothing, just to annoy me."

'Okay. If this new TV's as smart as a computer, where's the 'Skip Ad' button?'

'At the sound of the tone, please leave a message.. unless you're trying to sell me something.'

'I totally understand your extreme risk-aversion. Now hand over your mattress and let's slip into some comfy corporate bonds.'

"This is where I go to get away from reality TV."

'Letters, letters, letters - why can't you learn to text?'

Ring. If that me calling, I'm obviously not here.

Stuck in the Conversation Pit of Hell.

this gismo has cut all my meetings 50 percent

"Oh, no! People are coming to sit near us! Put up the banner!"

Please stop trying to engage me in conversation, Lars. Can't you tell when a wolverine is engrossed in a book? Sure, that's easy. They move their snouts when they read.

"No, I'm not interested in a free ski weekend. Please take me off your call list."

"How many times do I have to tell, you, don't call me at work!"

"I think you're using lawnmower repair to avoid intimacy."