Consultation Comedian Gifts

"You've omitted your previous patient experience and recommendations from two other doctors."

"Yes, I'm alone."

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"I made my first million tech consulting explaining the cloud to clients."

'Tell me more about your programmer.'

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

Cold caller.

'Actually, I'm a placebo psychiatrist.'

"...and another thing...stop referring to me as user-friendly"

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

'You have to learn to face reality.', 'Can't I just sneak up on it?'

"All I said is I'd like a little more attention. I don't need the shenanigans."

Our Universe: Matter (.0001%), Dark Matter (40%), Spam (60%)

'Having conducted a comprehensive review of your business strategy and financial forecasts...'

"If anyone has a question do not hesitate to open your mouth wide up."

Keister Island

People, come on, connect the dots...NOT THOSE DOTS!

'Scottish Arts Council? I'm looking for sponsorship to help me sit through a performance of Gotterdammerung.'

Distracted by the Senator's mesmerizing speech, Willard inadvertently pushes the wrong button.

'And finally a man who needs no introduction... unless you want to know who he is.'

'Sorry, I missed your call. . . I'm either goofing off at the fax machine or telling someone what I did over that weekend...'

Parking validation

A giveaway tan line...

"Hon, what's an allegory?"

"You knew I was free range when you met me."

When I went in they were discussing Tina Turner.

The leatherhosen thief strikes again!

Census Interrogation

'I'm going to prescribe a sedative for those worry warts.'

"So are the results not very good?"

Political Hipsters