Congregation Humorist Gifts

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

'Well, I guess we're the control group.'

How's my sermon. . .

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

Church restrooms

'He's a blight on the whole neighbourhood.'

'We are gathered here...'

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

'Still no money, but a lot more IOU's than usual!'

Egomaniacs Anonymous - "There's nothing anonymous about me!"

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

Peace Negotiator now available for Weddings, Funerals, Christenings, Barmitzvah

'He became a dissident Dissident in protest at the Dissidents.'

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

"I didn't say, 'Simon says'..."

The minister's a sub, so we're all going to sing the wrong hymn, pass it on …

"Seats in all parts!"

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

'Please come down, Reverend Brewster -- We really DID like your sermon!'

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

"Is writing 'wait for laughter' on your sermon really necessary?"

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'

St. Lukes Church: Pray and Display

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

'Shh … I guess it's a macho thing, but just don't mention the accident with little Jimmy's model airplane.'

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

"Kfetch!"

Ha-ha, it's true! Hunters are from a faraway place, gatherers are from

"I'm Colin and I steal chips."

"I'm SUPPOSED to be 'preachy'!"

"Larry, you haven't changed a bit."