Congregation Comic Gifts

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

"Would you like the 'gossip' or 'non-gossip' section?"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

How's my sermon. . .

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

Church restrooms

'We are gathered here...'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

"I didn't say, 'Simon says'..."

"You want a letter of recommendation from my last employer? I'm sure my mom will write me one!"

"Seats in all parts!"

'Amen will do ... You don't need to do the wave.'

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

116 DAYS WITHOUT A COMPLIMENT

"Is writing 'wait for laughter' on your sermon really necessary?"

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

"Hey, man, you didn't have to mention me by name."

'Please come down, Reverend Brewster -- We really DID like your sermon!'

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

St. Lukes Church: Pray and Display

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

"It's true we like our members to be regular givers, but irregular givers are certainly welcome."