Congregational Comic Gifts

Church restrooms

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

"Relax. I just had a vitamin."

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Writes A Novel

'I went to my boss and demanded the fruits of my labor. He gave me a Blackberry.'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

We're cutting the forest in half, so I'm going to need you to make the oxygen of two trees.

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

STRIP Hambone: Paper work

'We're taking over tonight, it's the only way to save the farm.'

"Buzz off, Fly-boy. We don't need more accessories."

Unemotional Support Animal

'Red Rover, Red Rover...'

'My door is always open. That's why I installed a tripwire.'

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'If you don't chill out, you are definitely heading for a meltdown...!'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Stay with me now, people, because in Step C, things get a bit delicate.'

'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

"This is the communications workshop, right? Let’s get started, I’m prepared!"

"You do realise that the post is only part time, no more than 70 or 80 hours a week."

"So you're just now tellin' me I was hatched from an egg and I coulda' left years ago?!?"

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

'NO, it DOESN'T come on DISC!'

'What we need is a decision, not more foot-dragging.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

'Hawaii can wait. These reports cannot.'

How's my sermon. . .

"He looks so much like his dad."

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

Goldfish evolution - "...it's called evolution and it means in a few years we'll walk right out that door."