Congregational Singer Gifts

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."

Non-Denominational Carols

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

Church restrooms

Ventriloquist Audition

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

'Man, I'm bombing,'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

"Sopranos", "Tenors", "Basses"

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"And now, with our own unique version of the cole porter classic. . ."

'Is there any chance you have been in close contact with a Baritone?'

"Sorry, but the Wi-Fi password is for tithing church members only."

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

Angel and Devil Music.

Revisionist Theology Happy Hour in Galilee with Jesus and Judas

116 DAYS WITHOUT A COMPLIMENT

"Is writing 'wait for laughter' on your sermon really necessary?"

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

"Hey, man, you didn't have to mention me by name."

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

'We were forced to leave our last church when some visitors took our seats.'

'Here's the story of the sermon on the mount.'

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

'The problem with Jr. High Choral is that between the auditions and the concert, 20% of the voices can change.'

"I'm SUPPOSED to be 'preachy'!"

"I can't believe it's not Rutter!"