Secular Songster Gifts

Non-Denominational Carols

"Here's another one written in E minor and in case you haven't guessed by now, it's the only chord I know."

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

"I'm trying to write a drinking song, but I can't get past the first couple of bars."

Drunken singers in a public house

Tenors

"With your voice and my marketing skills, we'll sell records by the million!"

A singer being criticised

Pirate King

'...And for those of you who cant remember the words...'

"What do you mean, 'There can be no ethics without fear of God'?! Look at me - all ethical and shit!"

The Corus.

"Never go to a church during a hurricane. They only provide shelter from taxes."

'Uh-oh, here comes the mike again. Cut the barbershop quartet and go back to mournful whistling.'

Well, it's not my fault if nobody bothered to tune the microphone.'

"Joe, you've got to stop singing 'Rocket Man.' Okay, how about 'Ground control to Major Tom'?"

Subway Chanteys

"Wine and women are off but can sing as much as you like!"

"Dad, it's only a surveillance camera."

"Hmm. What rhymes with layoffs?"

'For God's sake, Tom, just let her cry - I can't stand your singing any longer.'

Syd Barrett.

'This next song is one I wrote before I souled out.'

Cows warming up.

'There we are - what bird could resist a restaurant on its doorstep.'

New Seekers, New Danger, "I'd like to teach the world to sing..."

A fish playing a harp made out of fish poles.

Luciano Povarotti

"New Yorkie...New Yorkie..."

"Last night, I challenged your god to a duel. I won by default because he never showed."

'But the coconut song is all I know!'

He's got a lousy voice!

Baldo's Life is Sweet Moment: Finally figuring out all the words to the national anthem.

"Here it is. It's a rare song bird called Francisus Albertus Sinatras."

'It needs more soul.'