Congregational Singer Pillows

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."

Non-Denominational Carols

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

Church restrooms

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

SERMONS 'R' US - everything for the clergy.

Ventriloquist Audition

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

'Man, I'm bombing,'

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"Sopranos", "Tenors", "Basses"

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

'Is there any chance you have been in close contact with a Baritone?'

Angel and Devil Music.

"Sorry, but the Wi-Fi password is for tithing church members only."

Revisionist Theology Happy Hour in Galilee with Jesus and Judas

116 DAYS WITHOUT A COMPLIMENT

"Is writing 'wait for laughter' on your sermon really necessary?"

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

"Hey, man, you didn't have to mention me by name."

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

'We were forced to leave our last church when some visitors took our seats.'

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

'Here's the story of the sermon on the mount.'

'The problem with Jr. High Choral is that between the auditions and the concert, 20% of the voices can change.'

"I'm SUPPOSED to be 'preachy'!"

"I can't believe it's not Rutter!"

'Everyone in favor of buying cooler choir robes for the summer, sing hallelujah!'