Congregation Comedian Pillows

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

"I'm SUPPOSED to be 'preachy'!"

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

How's my sermon. . .

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

Church restrooms

'We are gathered here...'

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

"Seats in all parts!"

"I didn't say, 'Simon says'..."

The minister's a sub, so we're all going to sing the wrong hymn, pass it on …

'Whoa! Time out. The loud guy in the white shirt is right - that was a ball. My mistake. Sorry everyone. Thank you, sir.'

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

Church: Built by Guilt.

"The neighborhood association wants to know why you're never at our meetings."

'Please come down, Reverend Brewster -- We really DID like your sermon!'

"Is writing 'wait for laughter' on your sermon really necessary?"

"I wasn't honking at you! Isn't it obvious I was honking at the guy 10 cars ahead of you?"

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'

St. Lukes Church: Pray and Display

'Shh … I guess it's a macho thing, but just don't mention the accident with little Jimmy's model airplane.'

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

'But they can't close your local, you're the pub bore!'

"Would you like the 'gossip' or 'non-gossip' section?"

"Don't answer—it's those pickleballers again."