Congregation Comedian Pillows

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

"I'm SUPPOSED to be 'preachy'!"

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

How's my sermon. . .

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

Church restrooms

'We are gathered here...'

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

"Seats in all parts!"

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

"Is writing 'wait for laughter' on your sermon really necessary?"

'Please come down, Reverend Brewster -- We really DID like your sermon!'

Church: Built by Guilt.

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'

St. Lukes Church: Pray and Display

'Shh … I guess it's a macho thing, but just don't mention the accident with little Jimmy's model airplane.'

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

'But they can't close your local, you're the pub bore!'

"We saw a light so we dropped in."

'What d'you mean,Doris-you,ve burnt OUR dinner,and hers NEXT door,and hers NEXT door again and...?'

"Would you like the 'gossip' or 'non-gossip' section?"

"Don't answer—it's those pickleballers again."

'I hope our fence won't cause a conflict.'

"One god... one church... one collection."

"Ten, night, eight, seven. . . ."

Violin for Sale...Thank Goodness