Congregation Humorist Pillows

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

'Well, I guess we're the control group.'

How's my sermon. . .

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'He's a blight on the whole neighbourhood.'

Church restrooms

'We are gathered here...'

'Still no money, but a lot more IOU's than usual!'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

Egomaniacs Anonymous - "There's nothing anonymous about me!"

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

Peace Negotiator now available for Weddings, Funerals, Christenings, Barmitzvah

"Seats in all parts!"

'He became a dissident Dissident in protest at the Dissidents.'

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

'Please come down, Reverend Brewster -- We really DID like your sermon!'

"Is writing 'wait for laughter' on your sermon really necessary?"

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'

St. Lukes Church: Pray and Display

'Shh … I guess it's a macho thing, but just don't mention the accident with little Jimmy's model airplane.'

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

"Kfetch!"

"I'm Colin and I steal chips."

"Would you like the 'gossip' or 'non-gossip' section?"

"I'm SUPPOSED to be 'preachy'!"

"Larry, you haven't changed a bit."