Congregation Comedist Pillows

'We are gathered here...'

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

'Masonry robot, what are you doing?'

How's my sermon. . .

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

Church restrooms

"I have always depended on the content of strangers."

Building a better America - Financing by The Bank of China.

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

'He's really very busy but you can wait.'

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"It's nice to see you expressing yourselves, but what you need to focus on what's good for the whole group!"

"I am afraid Mr. Jones is in his career coaching session. Can I get him to call you back?"

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

"I didn't say, 'Simon says'..."

"Seats in all parts!"

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

Conflicted Chief

'Whoa! Time out. The loud guy in the white shirt is right - that was a ball. My mistake. Sorry everyone. Thank you, sir.'

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

"Is writing 'wait for laughter' on your sermon really necessary?"

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

"The neighborhood association wants to know why you're never at our meetings."

'Please come down, Reverend Brewster -- We really DID like your sermon!'

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'

St. Lukes Church: Pray and Display

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

'Ar ... to be sore, to be sore.' - Post St Patrick's Day.

'But they can't close your local, you're the pub bore!'