Congregational Comedian Pillows

"Is writing 'wait for laughter' on your sermon really necessary?"

"Ten, night, eight, seven. . . ."

'I've been called some mean things as a baby boomer, but 'Pig in the Python' really hurts.'

'What's the matter... you're not grim here?'

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

Church restrooms

'We are gathered here...'

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

"I got a chocolate bar and gum!" "What the #!@* is 'CBD oil'?!"

"It came... it grew... it made Nana say bad words... 'Ow! You rotten #@!!×!' The invasion of the thistle"

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"Who knew a lifeless box could spread such fear? It came from the mailbox."

Annuals, Perennials, Centennials, Millennials

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

"Seats in all parts!"

"Relax kid, you're going to be for awhile."

"Without a doubt... the first sixty!"

"Your heart won't tolerate any more town-hall meetings."

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

'Please come down, Reverend Brewster -- We really DID like your sermon!'

Church: Built by Guilt.

Campaign Headquarters: For a $500 contribution, the candidate will shake your hand ans sustain eye contact with you for five seconds.

"We were going to adopt a highway, but Rachel thought there would be less red tape if we adopted an overpass."

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

Punks with blue/pink hair meet old people with blue/pink rinses.

'It's a social-climbing wall.'

'Shh … I guess it's a macho thing, but just don't mention the accident with little Jimmy's model airplane.'