Congregation Comic Pillows

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

"Would you like the 'gossip' or 'non-gossip' section?"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

How's my sermon. . .

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

Church restrooms

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

'We are gathered here...'

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

"You want a letter of recommendation from my last employer? I'm sure my mom will write me one!"

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

'Amen will do ... You don't need to do the wave.'

"Seats in all parts!"

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

116 DAYS WITHOUT A COMPLIMENT

"Is writing 'wait for laughter' on your sermon really necessary?"

'Please come down, Reverend Brewster -- We really DID like your sermon!'

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

"Hey, man, you didn't have to mention me by name."

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

St. Lukes Church: Pray and Display

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

"It's true we like our members to be regular givers, but irregular givers are certainly welcome."

"I'm SUPPOSED to be 'preachy'!"

"Confound it - stop talking in tongues while I'm talking in tongues."