Congregation Comedist Gifts

'We are gathered here...'

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

'Masonry robot, what are you doing?'

How's my sermon. . .

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"I have always depended on the content of strangers."

Church restrooms

Building a better America - Financing by The Bank of China.

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

'He's really very busy but you can wait.'

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

'Just remember to get your punch lines in before they fall asleep.'

"I am afraid Mr. Jones is in his career coaching session. Can I get him to call you back?"

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

"Sir, booing the Pastor is not allowed."

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

"Seats in all parts!"

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

"Is writing 'wait for laughter' on your sermon really necessary?"

'Please come down, Reverend Brewster -- We really DID like your sermon!'

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'

St. Lukes Church: Pray and Display

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

'Ar ... to be sore, to be sore.' - Post St Patrick's Day.

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

'But they can't close your local, you're the pub bore!'

"Would you like the 'gossip' or 'non-gossip' section?"