Congregation Comedians Gifts

'Please come down, Reverend Brewster -- We really DID like your sermon!'

"Seats in all parts!"

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

"Motivational seminars are too expensive. Just buy stronger coffee."

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"You're good at asking all the right questions. Now let's hear some right answers."

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

"Right here is your baby’s infrastructure, and in a month or so we’ll be able to see the analytics."

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

"Here's our little bundle of joy."

"It's going to be huge! Cheese-flavored vodka!"

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

'Think about it guys: We're fed and sheltered, why would we ever think about leaving the nest?'

How's my sermon. . .

"I absolutely guarantee your workloads will not increase."

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

"Didn't you get the memo? The boss said he was bringing in some experts to help with the company's rebranding."

"I'm looking forward to the next thirty five years of her living with us."

Their father would frequently have to barge in and pantomime to his kids that they were not being quiet enough as they pantomimed actual noisy children.

"We're looking for someone who'll be available twenty four-seven."

Reception - I believe you wanted to see the man in charge.

'I want my ideas called 'concepts' not 'notions'.'

"We're neither software nor hardware. We're your parents."

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

'We are gathered here...'

'Let's play business. I'll be the chairman of the board and you'll work for me and laugh whenever I tell a joke.'

"We could hire some sign-wavers to stand by the side of the road and advertise our product."

"Our little girl has blossomed into quite the little complainer."

"Your personality test shows you are selfish, mean, and lazy. We'd like to offer you a position in management."