Competitive Quipster Pillows

"...I'll bet his dad can beat your dad..."

'He was only reaching for his powerpoint presentation pointer.'

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"So what's this special distracting tactic you've developed?"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Is the water cold?'

'What a gyp! Yesterday, after I got fixed, I put my testicles under my pillow, and all I got was a quarter!'

'It wasn't so much a hostile takeover as it was a best 2 out of 3 pillow fight.'

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

Official Seal

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

Death Watch

'I hope he didn't write the menu.' (Pub quizzers comment on poor grammar)

Over. Under. Sideways. Kid.

"I'll have an entendre...make it a double."

'To cure your dog I suggest you change your aftershave lotion, Mr Lutshbuddle.'

Tug the Toggle

Josh tests his theory that by driving backward through a quick-pass toll lane, he can get money ADDED to his credit card account.

'When I'm in the saddle I'm part of the horse.' - 'Yes, but which part?'

'I went for a walk this morning...' - 'I ran 20 miles... uphill.' - '...and I had bran flakes for breakfast.' - 'Yeah, well I ate 19 sausages, 3 melons, and a horse.' - 'I'm going for a pee.' - 'I swear I could flood this place!!'

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

"But we had stir-fry last night and the night before."

Day 2 of the senior Scrabble championships. We have a major controversy. Judges say one of the front-runners may be disqualified. They are accusing her of performance-enhancing substances. You're juiced on extra fiber. I was framed! Sadie rocks!

Golden Village: Lawn Mowing Races

"I'm the most pathetic man on earth."

Puck Building Shoot-out

'You call that enlightened?'

"We've really come up with something, but nine other labs also came up with it this week."

Never mind the Bartoks.

Knobbly knees champion

'I must say, that's the most pathetic bar promotion I've ever seen.'

'Dill! Stop being a freakish modern day cow-relic chewing throwback! Ok?'

I'm already two weeks ahead of my diet schedule.

Man Eater