Competitive Quipster Mugs

"...I'll bet his dad can beat your dad..."

'He was only reaching for his powerpoint presentation pointer.'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"So what's this special distracting tactic you've developed?"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Is the water cold?'

'It wasn't so much a hostile takeover as it was a best 2 out of 3 pillow fight.'

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

Official Seal

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

Death Watch

'I hope he didn't write the menu.' (Pub quizzers comment on poor grammar)

'To cure your dog I suggest you change your aftershave lotion, Mr Lutshbuddle.'

Tug the Toggle

"I'll have an entendre...make it a double."

'When I'm in the saddle I'm part of the horse.' - 'Yes, but which part?'

'I went for a walk this morning...' - 'I ran 20 miles... uphill.' - '...and I had bran flakes for breakfast.' - 'Yeah, well I ate 19 sausages, 3 melons, and a horse.' - 'I'm going for a pee.' - 'I swear I could flood this place!!'

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

"But we had stir-fry last night and the night before."

"I'm the most pathetic man on earth."

Golden Village: Lawn Mowing Races

Puck Building Shoot-out

'You call that enlightened?'

"We've really come up with something, but nine other labs also came up with it this week."

Never mind the Bartoks.

Knobbly knees champion

'I must say, that's the most pathetic bar promotion I've ever seen.'

World's tallest potato contest

'Dill! Stop being a freakish modern day cow-relic chewing throwback! Ok?'

Man Eater

I'm already two weeks ahead of my diet schedule.