Communication Czar Pillows

'Good morning. You have twelve million terabyte unread e-mails.'

Inclusive speech

"National security adviser"

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

Couples' therapy

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

"Can you tell the oak tree to tell the birch tree to tell the elm tree I said hi?"

'Some of these trees have been here for 2000 years... and they still can't talk. Man, we're awesome!'

Teamwork

"I think before we begin to address me, we need to talk about the clown in the room."

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

Letter Collecting Nerd

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

"'Original' to 'Carbon-Paper': Do you copy?"

'Let us pray...'

WHO checklist

"This is the communications workshop, right? Let’s get started, I’m prepared!"

'I thought people were quite receptive to the change seminar.'

'Is there such a thing as over communicating?'

'I said, how do you like my new communication tool?'

"I suppose we should start with listening skills!"

"So I'm like, doesn't anyone speak proper English any more?"

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

Telephone line ends up buried in the ground with a headstone.

Monosyllabic Crisis Center

The Horn of Unanswered Email

"That's his answer to everything!"

"Cancel my landline...are you crazy?"

"Hello?"

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

"Marriage is driving me crazy and she's my designated driver!"

'He has a very open mind. Everything goes in one ear and out the other.'