Communication Czar Gifts

'Good morning. You have twelve million terabyte unread e-mails.'

Sadie, this counseling won't work if you don't say what's bothering you. You'll just get upset. I won't. You will too. Will not. Will too. Will too. Will not will not WILL NOT. It bothers me that you're childish.

Inclusive speech

"National security adviser"

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

Couples' therapy

'Some of these trees have been here for 2000 years... and they still can't talk. Man, we're awesome!'

"Can you tell the oak tree to tell the birch tree to tell the elm tree I said hi?"

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

Teamwork

"I think before we begin to address me, we need to talk about the clown in the room."

Letter Collecting Nerd

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

"'Original' to 'Carbon-Paper': Do you copy?"

"This is the communications workshop, right? Let’s get started, I’m prepared!"

'Let us pray...'

WHO checklist

'I thought people were quite receptive to the change seminar.'

'Is there such a thing as over communicating?'

"I suppose we should start with listening skills!"

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

We never got anything done around here until we invented verbs.

'I said, how do you like my new communication tool?'

"Again, you may exercise your right to remain silent, but it's going to work against you since this is a job interview."

"So I'm like, doesn't anyone speak proper English any more?"

Monosyllabic Crisis Center

Telephone line ends up buried in the ground with a headstone.

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

The Horn of Unanswered Email

"Hello?"

"That's his answer to everything!"

"Cancel my landline...are you crazy?"

"Marriage is driving me crazy and she's my designated driver!"