Commitment To Health Pillows

"Phil suddenly decided to give up everything that was bad for him-no more smoking, drinking, or junk food-and he feels absolutely terrific!"

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

March Against Big Tech: "Oh, wow, this has bee great for my step count!"

Sam's Gym. My problem is I can't get the body I want with the body I've got!

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

'Sometimes it's difficult to get their feelings to the surface.'

I'm trying to read your test results from urology, but their server can only stream them a little bit at a time.

'...And then, I guess our relationship got TOO meaningful.'

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

Unconditional Loveseat

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

I'm putting all my eggs in one basket.

I have been working so hard I haven't gone to the gym in ages. You've been trying to make ends meet and forgot about the middle!

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

It's okay -- I'm training for the 2020 Olympics.

'Bigley, you're over-training!'

The Female Brain and The Other One

Wash your hands

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

"Till death us do part? Don't be so bloody morbid!"

I'm not evolving - I just thought I should lower my salt intake.

Running

'Pumpkin pie isn't dessert. It's another vegetable.'

"After two years of dating, we decided it was finally time to move in together."

"I didn't ask to be made with seventeen grams of fat."

Frank and Ernie's Relationship Advice. It's not enough to just accept that relationships are two-way streets ... You must also avoid taking side trips down alleys!

'My mother's resolution is to eat more vegetables, and my resolution is to help her by giving her mine.'

'Two Aspirins'...'Brain Tumor'

'Apparently, you've purchased another piece of exercise equipment. I think it's time I organised an intervention.'

"She was really disappointed when she found out she was going to an eye doctor and not an iDoctor."

'I'm not feeling well. I think I've got human flu.'

'Are you serious? I thought 'For Better or for Worse' was just a comic strip.'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"