Commandments Commentator Gifts

'Uh, is there a TEACHER'S edition?'

'These are a little harsh. Why don't you take time off for some r and r and rewrite them when you're in a better mood?'

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

"O.K., O.K., people - we're not workshopping these, they're already set in stone."

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"What? You broke number 3 already?"

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'Cartoonist thinking'

"But the good news is Trump has broken off diplomatic relations with them only on Twitter..."

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

'These sure rule out a lot of options....'

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

Sports Radio in Crisis

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

She agreed to marry me, but she has to marry three other guys first.

Tree of Public Opinion.

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

'What about three-day Sabbaths?'

'Thou shall not covet the neighbours same sex partner.'

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Sir Patrick Moore.

And now, for a rebuttal.

Pundits

'Will you stick to the script!!!'

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

"Actually, we will replace you."

"As you can see here - slow the tape, guys - these sparks are coming awfully close to the truck's gas tank, an explosive situation indeed..." Every high speed chase needs a color man.

Chess on TV

The United States of Amazement

"This is gonna be great!"

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"