Commandment Comedian Gifts

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

'What about three-day Sabbaths?'

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

'He's not too swift with the rest of the commandments, but he does rest on Sundays.'

"O.K., O.K., people - we're not workshopping these, they're already set in stone."

"What? You broke number 3 already?"

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

''The consent of the governed'? -- that could be a deal-breaker.'

'These sure rule out a lot of options....'

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

Various Traps.

'Either you say 'I do' or you don't -- You can't plead nolo contendere.'

'Thou shall not covet the neighbours same sex partner.'

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

'...Love, honor, and obey, no strings attached?'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

Relax, I'm just here to pick up a prescription.

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'I thought Lobsters mate for life.'

"Till death do us part? Hers or mine?"

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

'It's not company policy but how about starting on some performance enhancing drugs?'

'I'm just not keen.'

"Honey, it’s no use. We’ve done everything to try to save the divorce — I think we’re going to have to stay married."

"Sure, I love you, but I can't stand to be hurt again."

"It's getting serious - he left his stuff."

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'

'Is this a trick question?'

'My client is fine with the nuptial agreement except for section 7a, non parole period!'

"Of course under your new contract the requirement for you to provide 24 hour cover is optional...you could also opt for 36 or 48 hours!"

"We can't scrub the 'forsaking all others' bit."