Commandment Comedian Pillows

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

'What about three-day Sabbaths?'

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

'He's not too swift with the rest of the commandments, but he does rest on Sundays.'

"O.K., O.K., people - we're not workshopping these, they're already set in stone."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

''The consent of the governed'? -- that could be a deal-breaker.'

'These sure rule out a lot of options....'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

Various Traps.

'Either you say 'I do' or you don't -- You can't plead nolo contendere.'

'Thou shall not covet the neighbours same sex partner.'

Relax, I'm just here to pick up a prescription.

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

'...Love, honor, and obey, no strings attached?'

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'I'm just not keen.'

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

'I thought Lobsters mate for life.'

'It's not company policy but how about starting on some performance enhancing drugs?'

"Honey, it’s no use. We’ve done everything to try to save the divorce — I think we’re going to have to stay married."

"It's getting serious - he left his stuff."

"Sure, I love you, but I can't stand to be hurt again."

"My gut instinct was to say yes. . . but years in social work have shown me how these things end up working out."

'And you, William Elwood Hoonavogel, are you willing to give up your free range status?'

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'

"Do you promise to love and be faithful to each other for the next 28 days and then see where it goes from there?"

'You know I hate weddings - they remind me that I went through one!'

"We can't scrub the 'forsaking all others' bit."

'My client is fine with the nuptial agreement except for section 7a, non parole period!'

'Is this a trick question?'