Commandments Comedian Gifts

"Oh-oh -- a DEMERIT system!"

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

"O.K., O.K., people - we're not workshopping these, they're already set in stone."

"What? You broke number 3 already?"

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

''The consent of the governed'? -- that could be a deal-breaker.'

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

'These sure rule out a lot of options....'

'Either you say 'I do' or you don't -- You can't plead nolo contendere.'

'What about three-day Sabbaths?'

"Don't forget the screenplay."

'Thou shall not covet the neighbours same sex partner.'

"Thou Shalt not Covid thy Neighbor's Wife!"

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'It's not company policy but how about starting on some performance enhancing drugs?'

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

'I'm just not keen.'

"Honey, it’s no use. We’ve done everything to try to save the divorce — I think we’re going to have to stay married."

"It's getting serious - he left his stuff."

'These are a little harsh. Why don't you take time off for some r and r and rewrite them when you're in a better mood?'

'Quick! 'Tushy to the ground' stance!'

"Of course under your new contract the requirement for you to provide 24 hour cover is optional...you could also opt for 36 or 48 hours!"

"Do you promise to love and be faithful to each other for the next 28 days and then see where it goes from there?"

"We can't scrub the 'forsaking all others' bit."

'My client is fine with the nuptial agreement except for section 7a, non parole period!'

'Is this a trick question?'

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

"Sign here to indicate you have no idea what you've signed."

bound by restrictive covenant

"And with this, nuptial contract, independent inventory and itemised bill...I thee wed."

"OK, but I'll have to run it by my husband."