Command Connoisseur Gifts

A shout of sergeants

'This program is geared towards the youth market. You give it up to five commands and it closes down in a huff!'

'How can you make so many mistakes when there's only 2 option...LEFT or RIGHT?'

'Heel!!'

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

'Help! I'm wired and I can't get up!'

He acts all cool and feral until the can of food comes out. Jingle jingle jingle.

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

Men gossiping

"JB wears many hats. He just can't delegate"

'Why is it he never understands sit , stay or down, but understands spayed and neutered?'

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'The service is so much better when you dress as royalty.'

Counselor. It's annoying that he always has to have the second-to-last word

"Aye, now that I'm retired, the can opener seemed more practical."

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

"I'm a huge proponent of control over speed."

S**t Threw a Goose

"I like them. They hate the same things we do."

"Nope! He'd never set eyes on a water cooler in all his years in the office!"

"Seat yourself. Grab a menu. Take any table. Hey, you know how to cook?"

"We should probably talk about the elephant in the Roomba."

"I said, you know why women talk more than men?" "What?" "I said, you know why women talk more than men..." "What?"

Can I ask you a question, man-to-man? Sure, little buddy. What do "man-to-man talks" usually consist of? What? I've never really had one, I don't think. What usually goes into them? Sports? Shaving? Carburetors? A little of this, a little of that. There's a proper ratio, of course. I'm not good at math.

"Thank you, gentlemen, and may the best networked man win."

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"Just one question...how on earth do I get down?!"

Bookshop: Our Bestsellers - Empty Phrases

White Wine Wisdom (2)

'This is our real-time chat room.'

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

"There's a kind of rhythm to making money that something inside me responds to."

"Hold that afterthought!"