Comedy Snacker Gifts

"It's to help you stop the late-night snacking."

Movie Awards. Winner. It's been a big night for Ernie! He won three times at the movie-set caterer awards! On one set he made a healthy, refreshing beverage that received rave reviews from the cast and crew. He won the "best pitcher" award for it. Did they say he won for best costumes? No, his dressings won. His sticky buns won also. For "best leading roll" performance, right? No, for best "cinnamontography"!

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"I was going to share my cookies with teddy, but he's on a diet....so I had to eat them all."

Breakfast surreal.

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

"Alexa, tell me ways I can be less of a lazy slob who won't get up to turn off the lights."

"Stuffing your face while watching TV does cause obesity."

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

Cookie Thief

'Don't take it personally... he doesn't know I'm here either.'

"Get those things away from me- I can't stop eating them."

'Your diet is so bad that your arteries are all blocked, but the angioplasty should open things up and get the maple syrup flowing again.'

'He asked me if I wanted to put anything on my burger, so I had a tenner each way.'

Peanut Butter and Jam Attack,

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

'This is quite common. You've eaten so many sausages that you've turned into one.'

"Unbelievable! Even Internet cookies made me gain weight."

'Where did you get the idea that crackers are a minimum daily requirement?'

"Dad, what is a meal?"

Don't lie to me

"With these electricity prices we can't afford cooking anymore. Imagine eating sausage-favored popsicles."

Sometimes, instead of one big meal, I prefer tapas.

"Dear God, noooooo oooo!" "The Oreo tragedy"

Usher

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

Dave figured out if he added green food coloring to his milkshakes everyone just presumed he was drinking a kale smoothie.

'It's just a few things your concession stand doesn't carry - fried chicken, potato salad, pumpkin pie...'

Vegan

"Would you describe yourself as conservative voter."

I can't find the artisanal Pop-Tarts.

Book Burp

"We should throw out this hummus. I think it's become radicalized."