Comedically Tense Moments Appreciators Pillows

"For God's sake, just split the last donut!"

Showbiz Awards

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

Sitting in a tree

"Dare I ask for mustard?"

When we met, you told me you make a lousy first impression. Well, guess what: You also make a lousy second impression. Actually, my only decent impression is Kirk Douglas. Wanna hear it?

Would madam like me to send over the sympathy steward?

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Such a cute doggie! And I'll bet you make the cutest poopies too, don't you?"

"I suppose I should have let a few minutes elapse between declaring my love for you and announcing that I also loved lobster."

Waiter does not want to see customer make bubbles in his wine.

"Let's start with a couple of glasses of water and if that goes well I'll order two coffees."

"Baldo, Gracie...you need to learn more Spanish. For the rest of the week, I'm going to speak nothing but Spanish, and Tia Carmen will act as your interpreter, OK? Tienen tarea?"

"I'm sensing an awkward presence."

Speed Dating Disasters

Wind shear - 81 st and Lex

Windchimes

"Say these things, don't think them!"

"Good evening, I'm your date. Let me begin by saying I'm sorry I'm late, I'm sorry I'm bald and I'm sorry I'm short."

"Don't make eye-contact, don't make eye-contact..."

"Are you blushing?!"

'By the way Adrian, it unfastens at the front.'

"You should always stretch before engaging in strenuous activity."

'It's our first date. You don't know me well enough to ask if I'm getting enough fiber.'

"Hi, I'm on the toilet"

The Adventures of Morton - Harmless juggler.

"Can the bride refrain from twitching her entire left side?"

"Now in the second law of thermodynamics..."

'On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, how attached are you to the cat?'

"Don't take this the wrong way, but your sweaty hand is grossing me out."

"So, is it like a foursome then, miss?"

"Cruz, I didn't send flowers to Rayna! We haven't dated in forever! Ever since I joked about calling her Anne Droid."

"I don't feel we've known each other long enough to sit in a booth."

(Cursing symbols)! Did I have a piece of spinach stuck to my tusk the whole date?

"Any other weaknesses?"