Comedically Aged Gifts

Pinocchio's Second Realization

"To be or not to be."

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

Church Basement Foodie

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

"You kept me awake all night, grinding your gums."

'Just look at him- a fool and his money are soon partying!'

"If they do let anyone go I don't think age will be a consideration. You shouldn't kill yourself trying to look younger than you are."

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

Caution. Slippery when wet.

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

My philosophy ... If you can't beat 'em, outlive 'em.

'If I knew it would mean all these hospital appointments, I'd never have got old!'

'You're either getting smaller or they're giving you bigger pillows.'

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

'Webster, is it just me, or do our new employees seem to be younger every year,'

"What fly?"

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the best facelift of them all?

'You have the body of a 22 year old man, providing your birthday is February 29th.'

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"What do you mean, 'I'm in good shape for a man of forty'? I'm only twenty-six!"

A therapist reads to his patient from a joke book.

"I was on hormone replacement for two years before I realized I needed Steve replacement."

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'