Comedic Caregiver Gifts

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'You're not sucking. You're playing.'

'He's lookin' at me!'

'I got the idea from a veterinarian friend of mine.'

'You're either getting smaller or they're giving you bigger pillows.'

'No, I did not visit merely to tweak your nose!'

'Hi Honey! I wanted to thank you for taking the baby to day care this morning!'

"We're still figuring out how to monetise him."

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

Mother puts extra long dummy in babies mouth.

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

Caution. Slippery when wet.

Overprotective Father

A therapist reads to his patient from a joke book.

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

Al, you need to get over your childish desire for a pony. It's not childish, doctor. I only started wanting one last week.

"5 second rule!"

You think you have feelings of worthlessness? You ought to see my portfolio!

Flying Ear Specialist

I told you to take the stairs instead of elevators. Taking escalators isn't meeting me halfway.

IV Bags: Main and Afters

REPORT CARD, 'This is going to be tough to spin.'

' Emergency Pet Hospital? My Basset Hound got into my husband's Viagara...'

"Would you mind turning down your Walkman just a little!"

"Please feel free to feel ill at ease while you're here."

"I was gonna try yoga, but I don't actually bend so that's not going to work."

"Doctor! This is not the time for the 'pull my finger' gag!"

'I want a divorce, Lenny.'

'This is my primary place of doing business, although I do sometimes do it on my neighbor's lawn.'

'A good rule of thumb is never to eat anything that won't fit into your microwave.'

'Oh, I see. So, you thought you'd come and pass your nasty germs on to me?!'

'I do not think I'm a God. God like, yes. But not God.'

"Ashley wanted to play doctor, but I'm trying to stay out of the health care debate."

'So, you're a serious investor? Lighten up!'

'You'd get more work done if you didn't stop and smell the roses so often!'