Comedic Storytelling Fan Gifts

'You give him the estimate - you're bigger than he is.'

"Boy! That Harvey will do ANYTHING to be the center of attention, won't he?"

"Hello?...I recently ordered an Indian carpet, but I think you've sent me a Sicilian one!"

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

Andy's first airplane experience was marred by his grandmother's stinginess

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

'Actually, I became a psychiatrist because the voices told me to.'

'These, you realize, are just the high points....'

"You heading south again this summer?"

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

'Please hold your applause until I've read all ten.'

'When we get back this trip is going to need some embroidering.'

'Got something! That baby's at least ten pounds. Can't wait to see it surface.'

Furniture from hell.

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

'Some people never learn, do they? The guy I saved today I've saved twice already!'

"Well, if you haven't seen him, do you know a good recipe for puff pastry?"

'I need the loan because I fell asleep on my psychiatrists couch.'

I feel so blindsided. Laurel has a talking pet gerbil named Herbert. So? She wants to create a little family - the two of us, Herbert and Mortkey. On day, we're just two young lovers dating. The next: Boom! I'm cleaning Herbert's litter box.

'I'll tell you what mister - I'll lose ten pounds and stop nagging, the same day you act your age, cleanup after yourself, cook your own food and get a brain in that fat head.'

"I should have realised she'd poisoned my dinner. It tasted much nicer than usual."

'Yes, he did turn into a price, but there were complications.'

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

'I went window shopping today. I came home with four double glazed units!'

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack -- Career Duck

"The beginning of another urban legend."