Comedic Storytelling Fan Gifts

'You give him the estimate - you're bigger than he is.'

"Boy! That Harvey will do ANYTHING to be the center of attention, won't he?"

"Hello?...I recently ordered an Indian carpet, but I think you've sent me a Sicilian one!"

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

Andy's first airplane experience was marred by his grandmother's stinginess

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

'Actually, I became a psychiatrist because the voices told me to.'

'These, you realize, are just the high points....'

"You heading south again this summer?"

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

'Got something! That baby's at least ten pounds. Can't wait to see it surface.'

'When we get back this trip is going to need some embroidering.'

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

Furniture from hell.

'Please hold your applause until I've read all ten.'

"Well, if you haven't seen him, do you know a good recipe for puff pastry?"

'Some people never learn, do they? The guy I saved today I've saved twice already!'

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

'I need the loan because I fell asleep on my psychiatrists couch.'

'Yes, he did turn into a price, but there were complications.'

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

'I went window shopping today. I came home with four double glazed units!'

'I'll tell you what mister - I'll lose ten pounds and stop nagging, the same day you act your age, cleanup after yourself, cook your own food and get a brain in that fat head.'

"The beginning of another urban legend."

"I should have realised she'd poisoned my dinner. It tasted much nicer than usual."

"Then one day he said, 'It's either me or the damned cat!'"

Student to teacher: 'If my paper is late it's because I'm waiting for the most current event.'