Comedic Storytelling Admirer Gifts

"Then one day he said, 'It's either me or the damned cat!'"

"I just can't do it without someone else yelling directions."

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

Trumpeter swan meets trombone swan.

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"Dare I ask for mustard?"

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

"And last week I nearly crashed while reading on the freeway..."

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

Andy's first airplane experience was marred by his grandmother's stinginess

Animal Olympics: 'What do you say next year we have some non-cheetah races?'

'These, you realize, are just the high points....'

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

"You heading south again this summer?"

The Harold Pinter theatre...

'Got something! That baby's at least ten pounds. Can't wait to see it surface.'

'Please hold your applause until I've read all ten.'

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

"For me it's all about the craft of acting."

Furniture from hell.

'When we get back this trip is going to need some embroidering.'

'Some people never learn, do they? The guy I saved today I've saved twice already!'

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

"Well, if you haven't seen him, do you know a good recipe for puff pastry?"

'I'll tell you what mister - I'll lose ten pounds and stop nagging, the same day you act your age, cleanup after yourself, cook your own food and get a brain in that fat head.'

'I need the loan because I fell asleep on my psychiatrists couch.'

'I went window shopping today. I came home with four double glazed units!'

"I should have realised she'd poisoned my dinner. It tasted much nicer than usual."