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"Then one day he said, 'It's either me or the damned cat!'"

"I just can't do it without someone else yelling directions."

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

Trumpeter swan meets trombone swan.

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

"Dare I ask for mustard?"

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

"And last week I nearly crashed while reading on the freeway..."

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

Andy's first airplane experience was marred by his grandmother's stinginess

Animal Olympics: 'What do you say next year we have some non-cheetah races?'

'These, you realize, are just the high points....'

"You heading south again this summer?"

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

Furniture from hell.

The Harold Pinter theatre...

'When we get back this trip is going to need some embroidering.'

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

"For me it's all about the craft of acting."

'Please hold your applause until I've read all ten.'

'Got something! That baby's at least ten pounds. Can't wait to see it surface.'

"Well, if you haven't seen him, do you know a good recipe for puff pastry?"

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

'Some people never learn, do they? The guy I saved today I've saved twice already!'

I feel so blindsided. Laurel has a talking pet gerbil named Herbert. So? She wants to create a little family - the two of us, Herbert and Mortkey. On day, we're just two young lovers dating. The next: Boom! I'm cleaning Herbert's litter box.

'I'll tell you what mister - I'll lose ten pounds and stop nagging, the same day you act your age, cleanup after yourself, cook your own food and get a brain in that fat head.'

"Any other educational qualifications besides Trump university?"

"I should have realised she'd poisoned my dinner. It tasted much nicer than usual."

Analysts have said the US and Russia are closer to nuclear war than ever. The outcome of the election tomorrow will probably determine whether we live in mediocrity … or whether we suffer a nuclear apocalypse in which a crafty café owner, who's squirreled away scones and ammunition in a vast network of underground bunkers, could rise to become feudal warlord of a brand new world. So ... who are you voting for again? The person I've been preparing ever since 2nd grade to vote for.