Comedic Storyteller Gifts

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

In writing War and Peace, Tolstoy was going for the big laugh, but the more he wrote, the more elusive it became.

'These, you realize, are just the high points....'

"Well, if you haven't seen him, do you know a good recipe for puff pastry?"

"Look! Stem cells and Lipitor from Uncle Henri in Quebec."

'Seems like we've a long night ahead of us.'

The trips gone to Hell - 'Excuse me sir, we seem to have lost our way...'

'Some people never learn, do they? The guy I saved today I've saved twice already!'

Contact Sport Lens.

101 uses of a dead cat: pajama case

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

'Are you drunk again!!?'

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

'When we get back this trip is going to need some embroidering.'

'A girl needs time to think about getting married. What was your name again?'

'I told my hubby, he was cack handed. . .'

'Please hold your applause until I've read all ten.'

"I should have realised she'd poisoned my dinner. It tasted much nicer than usual."

'Sure, bring her on. I've always wanted to work on one of these babies.'

"While I wait for you to put on your make-up, I'll go paint the church."

'I went window shopping today. I came home with four double glazed units!'

'As a gesture of good will, I'll be happy to give you an inflated receipt for income tax purposes.'

'Well, if even the mice wouldn't like our food, we'd have a really bad cook, am I right?'

'...then this gorgeous blonde fell into my arms, she's just fallen off the roof.'

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

'Some things never change. Bob and I still don't talk anymore just like we used to.'

'I think I use the Internet too much. I find myself writing 'com' after each period.'

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

"I asked her if she wanted to go to dinner. She said yes and then she went to dinner."

"The beginning of another urban legend."

Mother in Law Wishes Will Be Ignored

"As a confirmed hypochondriac, only my addiction to placebos to gets me through the day."

"Hello Auntie Maureen... Hello whoever's monitoring the call."

Suddenly, the lovemaking came to a stop. Mary looked at her husband in disbelief. He closed his mouth and didn't say another word all night.

"Honey, it's Lorna from next door. She wants to borrow three hundred cups of sugar."