Comedic Story Lover Gifts

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

'They all laughed when I told them that I was going to marry a magician.'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'A is for Arse.'

Examination.

"And last week I nearly crashed while reading on the freeway..."

'Looks like the victim was trying to tell us something,'

"The back flip was a nice touch."

"You're right...it's football strategy! I think I presented our financial proposal to the youth team I coach! I must get more sleep!"

The Swiss Arm-y Wife

"For me it's all about the craft of acting."

'What's a cubic foot?' - 'Whatever it is claim compensation.'

'I'm not trying to take away from the fact that you are a twisted, brilliant genius. . .but what is with the size of this bloody forehead?!?'

"Can you test for broccoli and brussels sprouts too?"

"It's not that I don't want a baby brother - it's just that this is a bad time for me developmentally."

"You've reached Randy, the Dating Doctor. What ails you?...."

Analysts have said the US and Russia are closer to nuclear war than ever. The outcome of the election tomorrow will probably determine whether we live in mediocrity … or whether we suffer a nuclear apocalypse in which a crafty café owner, who's squirreled away scones and ammunition in a vast network of underground bunkers, could rise to become feudal warlord of a brand new world. So ... who are you voting for again? The person I've been preparing ever since 2nd grade to vote for.

'Yes, he did turn into a price, but there were complications.'

"Sorry I'm late: I was hitching a ride but when the driver noticed me, he panicked and we had an accident..."

"Then one day he said, 'It's either me or the damned cat!'"

'I didn't recognize your old boyfriend at first. He's got a new car.'

"Boy! That Harvey will do ANYTHING to be the center of attention, won't he?"

"I'm just doing this until I can break into accounting."

"He decided to write a travel book..."

'Well, how many pints do you weigh?'

"While we wait for the jury to deliberate, I thought you could use a little light reading."

'Recommended reading' selection of books e.g.'Team spirit, by Geoffrey Boycott'

"When he thinks back about this years from now, he'll only remember the good probes."

"I just can't do it without someone else yelling directions."

"He won't get far without this!"

"Yes, I tried tapping on the glass."

The Three Stooges Pop-Up Book

"If I had to guess I'd say your son's acne is the result of a sudden surge of hormones."

Man in a Chain Gang has a Peg Leg.

'That shark took Bob right out of the boat! Now I'll never get the $50 he owes me.'